Fixing the Fight is a series on discourse in the modern political landscape – particularly in areas where nobody is on the same page, or bad arguments are being proposed. In each article we will look at an issue where a bad argument or counter argument is being made and correct aspects of it, so a proper dialogue can proceed in the hopes of bettering how we discuss these issues.
TOPIC: The measures men have taken to avoid false accusations in the post #MeToo era.
BACKGROUND: For about two years, there has been a movement where women have had a chance to call out forms of sexual harassment that have stifled their careers, ranging from legitimate deplorable and criminal instances to rather harmless examples. Unfortunately, this has generated fear of false accusations – as well as cries of a witch hunt aimed at all men. Some men have gone so far as to limit time with female co-workers, which in turn damages both male and female job development on an increasingly grand scale. Ultimately, the fear surrounding #MeToo is spilling out of the workplace into other areas. Please note that, as we are reviewing the larger debate, we are not talking about malicious false accusations that men are justifiably afraid of. That means, for the remainder of this article, we are assuming good faith on both sides. That means that we are limiting ourselves to addressing inadvertent false accusations. Malicious false accusations will be covered in a future piece.
INITIAL ARGUMENT BY MEN: “Men are afraid of the very real possibility of being falsely accused, and thus are in a place where they need to protect themselves.”
COUNTER ARGUMENT BY WOMEN: “Is it so hard to not act like a creep that every man out there has to avoid women? False accusations rarely happen.”
WHY IT DOESN’T WORK: This is an argument about policy where the two parties don’t understand that they have different definitions for the same term. Within the #MeToo movement, sexual harassment and misconduct have become blanket terms for all misbehaviour. As a direct result, men are now afraid that actions they view as harmless, or a situation they misread, will become a bigger issue than it is. Thus – misunderstandings would translate into a false accusation. Feminists (at least – the ones not hoping innocent men get caught up in the fray) appear to view the very idea of a false accusation as tantamount to an attack on victims. This is, in most part, because they believe that talk of false accusations undermines real accusations. In other words – that viewing false accusations as ‘common’ poisons the well and may harm or silence women who would otherwise come forward… But this becomes a different discussion for a different day.
WHO IS WRONG: In this instance (assuming good faith), nobody really is wrong, and so its a hard thing to fix. A lot of the solution hinges on both sides seeing both perspectives. The feminists are going to side with any accuser because they believe she was wronged. They tend to get caught up in the idea that she is still a victim because she ‘felt’ wronged – even if she wasn’t. Thus, an untrue accusation may not necessarily be ‘false’ in their eyes.
However, men now find themselves in a situation where the rules aren’t as clear – in part because, amid the flurry of accusations, mundane infractions and even complements are being held to the same standard as serious abuse cases. For example: the cases of Morgan Freeman, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Aziz Ansari. As a result: men in general don’t understand the rules, and suspect there aren’t any. Many men have come to the conclusion that all men are now ‘fair game’ – even if most men will never be accused. This is the cost of hysteria. We have created a world where any mundane thing at all – even ones that could have been easily fixed with a simple conversation – have the potential to become a false accusation. There may not even be an intent to hurt – or to jump on the bandwagon of #MeToo. It goes without saying that most people don’t want to inadvertently hurt another person. But, in this case, the pain in the feminine emotional response results in an emotional male response of fear – both of which can be backed up rationally in ways that make them hard to dismiss.
The main problem hinges on the definition of ‘false accusation’ being relative to the person in the accuser/accused dynamic. In short, what is wrong with both arguments is exactly the cause of some of these issues in the first place.
HOW TO FIX IT: There needs to be a shift away from the language of False Accusations and #BelieveAllWomen to a more empathetic conversation. The point has to be acknowledged that a lot of women who are shown to be making a false accusation do indeed feel wronged. This isn’t to call them liars, nor is it to place full blame on the man. The point is to say that people just aren’t communicating things well, and there needs to be a better dialogue to sort it all out. Most men would be devastated to learn that their actions had a lasting negative impact on a women, and that is a point that should be emphasized. Men aren’t just acting scared in terms of pure self preservation, they are being forced into a realm of benevolent sexism. This is one of the biggest reasons why #MeToo has been so devastating to gender relations.
The point should be made that this backlash isn’t because we think all false accusers are liars – contrary to what the term might imply. Fraudulent accusations do exist, and should be talked about – but they are only part of the problem, and the backlash. The main body of that backlash is largely because men do not know what the rules are anymore. Advice is often contradictory, labyrinthine, based on guesswork, or outright wrong. Men going into work feel like they are being forced to play ‘Calvinball’ – and, as far as they know, the only way to win is to not play the game. This is dangerous for everyone.
Ideally, ‘not playing’ avoids the pitfall where we seemingly invalidate the sentiments coming from the #MeToo movement – but instead this just limits who can work with who. Women are in a position where they are trying to get their feelings heard, and men are trying to do the same. Any perceived attempt to discredit the movement kills the dialogue and prevents progress, and any attempt to discredit the risk to men just allows tensions to grow. The most powerful point to make here is that we can change #MeToo to benefit and empower both benefits men and women, together. Here is how we do this:
- By encouraging female assertiveness in interpersonal and business relationships, we can avoid many of these situations. Specifically: the common story where the man has consent, but the woman wants out and doesn’t say anything. (See: Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Aziz Ansari)
- By encouraging men to talk about their own feelings and worries in regards to #MeToo and raise their own stories of being abused.
Women and men should feel empowered to discuss these issues openly, and in a way that avoids confusion. If a man and a woman are upfront, they can better learn how to handle each-other on the level of the individual, and better understand boundaries. This takes the valid points at the heart of #MeToo, and but discards the Witch Hunt mentality. It allows men and women to both feel empowered to admit they felt wronged, and also empowered to engage in direct confrontation – the kind more suitable to resolutions that are mutually beneficial, and ultimately preventative. It is perhaps the best argument because it takes the aspect of female empowerment, adds equal male empowerment, and elevates it to a place that doesn’t threaten either gender. It would also weaponize feminism against its own toxic elements – for the betterment of men, and women – while reforming the movement overall. This reform would be a huge step towards uniting men and women under one egalitarian equality movement.
CONCLUSIONS: Obviously, false accusations are just one aspect of the debate around #MeToo – but this is the aspect with the greatest and most tangible repercussions thus far. These results are damaging for both men and women in the workplace, and thus (in this aspect of the gender equality debate) both sides need to work together to mend bridges. Immediately.
A big argument here is that these accusations represent ‘a reality shaped by emotion’, and you can’t argue against a subjective experience. The first step towards reconciliation requires acknowledgement of the others feelings and vice versa. The second is to acknowledge that facts trump both. It’s a big ask of both sides.
Perspective makes all of these issues difficult. From the moment they happen to the moment they get discussed. It is inevitable – and before we start diving into policy, people need to step back and ask what is going on. They need to find out how the other person defines things, explain how they define it, and work out the compromise that allows them to move on to the next step. Definition seems like a simple thing to overlook because words should have an absolute meaning, but life is messier than that and misunderstandings of intent is the easiest way to halt progress in a discussion – be it with a feminist, or in a meeting with a co-worker of the opposite sex.
Authors note: I know this is long but I appreciate you giving the read if you made it this far. Please leave me feedback on the Men are Human discord where I am Evildl17, in reddit under u/evidl17 or my email ‘[email protected]’ Thanks.
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