Is the grass really greener on the other side of the gender divide? Feminists claim this is so. They love to tell us that men are privileged, even in the face of all the evidence. But the truth is that it’s hard to really know what the other gender experiences. Men don’t know what it’s like to be women. Women don’t know what it’s like to be men. But there are exceptions to this. People who dare to cross the gender divide. For example, when Norah Vincent set out to prove the existence of male privilege by living as a man for eighteen months. What she found was shocking to her: men were just people. Not the enemy. They didn’t live the lifestyle she’d been sold in the Feminist brochure. Except Nora only took an extended holiday on ‘the other side’ – she didn’t want to live there. And trying to do so nearly sent her mad.
But Trans People Do
For transgender people, becoming their preferred gender is a major life goal. And the sheer lengths they go to makes for some great ‘undercover reporters’. Nora merely glued some stubble to her chin. Trans people have surgery to change the shape of the chin, and take hormones to cover it in stubble. They do everything they can to literally become the other gender. Because of this, they get to see both sides of the coin in a way nobody else would even dream of. Or dare to try. This makes their experiences interesting and important – allowing us to see both sides of the coin.
Because of this, Men Are Human has been seeking out the stories of trans MRAs. And what follows is one of them. Everything from here onward is the voice of a trans person, explaining the gender divide from both sides of it. If you have one you’d like to share, please let us know!
(Edited for publication by Men Are Human Staff, and posted with the writer’s permission.)
“Kritana’s” Trans Experience
When many people hear trans people talk about how differently they were treated after they transitioned, they usually hear it from a feminist side. I am not feminist – I am a Men’s Rights Activist. But I am a trans man, as well. Basically, someone who was born female but transitioned to male at some point in their life. When I was a girl, I was of course still an MRA (as I have always been), and I knew that I was privileged.
Types of Transition
There are three forms of gender transitioning: social, hormonal, and surgical. Social is usually pronouns, clothes, and stuff like makeup and wigs. Hormonal is more along the lines of hormone therapy, with usually testosterone or estrogen shots, and many also use estrogen or testosterone blockers. Surgical is using surgery to help with a transition – usually having to do with the chest, but also might be changing the appearance of the genitalia.
Trans Men
Women becoming men generally have strong changes when they go on testosterone, and many do not even have to use estrogen blockers. Our “bottom surgery” (genitalia), is generally bad and can be really expensive (some are worth a million US dollars), while our “top surgery” (chest) is usually fine and not too expensive (compared to bottom surgery), with many at about 10,000 US dollars. Depending on the bra size, it can leave a scar below the nipple area, though. Social transition is both worse and better for trans men – better, because we can look like men easier without needing hormonal therapy, and worse because of the complications that come with transitioning to male, and the more general rejection. Especially within more feminist and societal spaces.
Trans Women
Men becoming women, on the other hand, are the opposite. Being born male and having transitioned to female, their hormonal therapy usually takes much more time and is less effective than testosterone therapy, and many have to use testosterone blockers to even look female. Their surgeries, however, are a different story. They’re usually better, cheaper, and many times have better results. What I often hear about is how trans women’s bottom surgery not only looks better, but it generally has more feeling. This is not always the case, of course.
It Can Be Sexually Confusing, Too
It took me not too much time to figure out what I was – in terms of gender. But sexuality was slightly harder. I came out several times, actually. I thought that I was a lesbian, but it turned out that I liked men. (And yes, even if I had turned out to be a lesbian, I still would have been an MRA.) So I came out as bi. But then it hit me one day – I’m not either, I’m a gay dude. Don’t ask me why that was the thing to hit me, but it did. However, later, while I still identify as a gay dude, I think I’m only mostly gay. I have a slight attraction to females, or specific females, but not enough to make a difference.
Hormonal therapy may change that a bit. Some transgender men who were previously only attracted to women found that they developed a little bit of an attraction to men after being on testosterone for some time, which I find interesting. Ages of transitioning vary for each person. The age that I realized that I was trans was when I was 14 – and I am 17 now, so it has been around three years so far. Which has given me plenty of time to realize some of the ways that men and women are treated differently.
About My Transition
My transition is a bit in the early stages, to be honest. I have the social side nailed pretty much down. However, I have yet to get hormonal therapy. As for the surgical, I’m going to have top surgery, but I don’t think I’m going to get the bottom surgery. Being able to stand while peeing would be amazing, but seeing as I am attracted to men and want to have kids in the future, it would seem to be more of a loss for me.
But it didn’t hit me how much I was privileged until after my transition, at least when society saw me as a guy. For those of you who may be worrying, I was not raised an MRA. My mom is a feminist – but not the anti-male kind feminist. She is actually pro-MRA, anti-feminazi, and raised me to believe that men should not get abused. And to know that abuse of men is often ignored. I sadly didn’t find out what an MRA was for a while – I thought I was a “masculinist” because of the term feminist. And so I thought I was alone for a while, and it was actually pretty sad. I can’t remember how I found out what an MRA was, but I instantly knew it was me.
Pre Transition Stories (The Female Side)
When I was a girl (before I transitioned), people were generally nicer to me. There was this incident in 7th grade where I was messing with my friend, grabbing his stuff. When he saw, we’d both laugh and I’d give it back to him. Well, one time I went too far and pulled his desk, but I was not prepared for how loud it was.
The whole class was silent. Instantly, the teacher blamed my friend, and gave him detention. He responded with, “You never believe me.” Seeing what was unfolding, I moved quickly. I said it was me, and the teacher looked at me like she didn’t believe me. Seeing that I was dead serious, she had me move over a seat. Eager to not get anyone in anymore trouble, I moved over a seat.
However, it was only later that I realized that she was punishing him much more for a crime that I did.
Boys Are Treated Like Loaded Weapons
It is drummed into boys from a young age that they can’t hit a girl. But they never teach girls the reverse. They almost encourage girls to hit boys. Even when I was in elementary school, as a girl, I noticed this. One time in 4th or 5th grade a girl was arguing with a boy – saying that “a boy can only hit a girl after she hits him three times”. I came over to her and said that no, boys can hit on the first hit. She looked at me like I was ruining something.
Isn’t it odd that we think of girls as nicer when they do things like that? The image is that girls are all friends, and that they just fall out sometimes. But I was bullied by a gang of girls who were just cruel to me for no reason. For example, I was in the locker room one time and they were spraying perfume. I told them that I couldn’t handle the smell very well, so could they please stop. And, in response, she ran around the locker room spraying as much as she could. She also tried to get me banned from prom (or some dance) just because I got so mad at her BS that I called her a b*tch. Yes, it probably wasn’t the best response on my end at the time. But she was still horrible enough. And there are many other instances like that.
However, now that I’ve tried being a boy I realise that people were much nicer to me as a girl.
Becoming A Trans Male
After my transition, when I was perceived as male by society, everything changed. While I didn’t have girl gangs hounding on me for petty BS, my treatment overall declined a great deal. People in general just cared less about me and were much less nice to me. The way it happened could be very subtle too. One time (after I transitioned) I was at the store with my sister. We were both buying our own things, and my sister went first. She was short a couple of cents, and started to look through her purse for some of her hoard of change. Instantly, a man threw down some change for her.
Next, I went in line. As I was buying my stuff, it turned out that I had apparently grabbed too much stuff for the amount of money that I had, so I took away some. Even when I was ended up some cents short, I still did not have enough to buy it, but I didn’t want to give up anything else. So I looked at the line to see if anyone would help, and they just stared at me. My sister, a couple of moments later, was the only one who helped me. With money left over from what she was given. I know, that situation wouldn’t top the list of male issues, but it shows something about society. It’s just kinder to girls in every way. And they never even notice.
The Male Equivalent of “You Should Smile”
Things are pretty bad for males who don’t conform to society’s ideas about masculinity. You are treated worse than a tomboy girl, even if it’s just for something small and simple. As a girl no one cared that I wore guy clothes, or did masculine things. And I didn’t change what I wore as a guy – I just always have worn male clothes. But suddenly I wasn’t allowed to like kawaii metal. It made me ‘less of a man’.
And I know it wasn’t because of “misogyny” – no one cares if women like men’s things. Or kawaii metal. It was because I was seen as “less of a man”. I blurred the lines. Something not like a man, but not a woman either. I have been told to “man up” on several occasions. The first time it happened, I nearly punched a wall. Now, I just make an annoyed face. I was never made to feel as if I was less of a girl when I was female – but I’m constantly judged if I’m being “man enough” as guy in too many instances, and it has been about only 3 years.
Homophobia Hurts
Another thing has to do with my attraction to men. Once I told a homophobic conservative that I was a gay dude (online), and he called me a “pedophile.” Obviously, not all conservatives are homophobic, but he one was – and it hurt. I was only 16 at the time! But it’s funny – no one would ever call lesbians “pedophiles” unless she actually was one. And even then the chance is small. But calling a gay dude a pedophile randomly is somehow ok? Just because he’s a man? I have also been told that because I’m a boy, I’m supposed to be more stupid; in fact, it’s expected for me to be stupid even when I joke about it.
The Feminist Classroom
I don’t know how many times we have been told in class that men are bad. When a feminist or pro-feminist or whatever tells you that history books are “for men, by men,” don’t believe them. Every history book I’ve read in my classes condemn men (and boys). You never hear that female leaders start 40% more wars (despite being much smaller in number).
The books also condemn whites, even though white people basically been about as bad as everyone else throughout history. They also neglect facts – like men being the vast majority of discrimination victims. Also, they literally paint men as oppressors of women.
The Evil (Trans) Male Oppressor
I had a huge fight with several classmates, the teacher, and the special needs assistant. There was this documentary that was talking about how women were supposedly oppressed. It got to a part where a woman was vacuuming and a man reading the newspaper. As if all men were lazy f***s who did nothing while women were constantly working slaves. I pointed out that men were the ones going out and literally sacrificing their bodies, lives, and very beings for women. All that was required of women was making sure that the house didn’t get dusty, and that the kids didn’t cook each other in the oven!
This was mostly ignored, in the beginning. They continued talking about how women were supposedly oppressed, and I was getting a bit pissed. So I pointed out how men had it worse. Well me saying that both women and men were oppressed, but men moreso, was somehow deemed sexist. There’s a weird double-standard here. How is it not sexist to claim that women were basically slaves? Especially if they often had things better than their “slavemaster?” Well, it got into a big argument, and I ended up getting called a sexist misogynistic pig basically. That was the worst I had ever gotten into a fight at school.
Warning: Sexual Violence & False Accusations
(Due to the fairly graphic nature of these stories, we have made it easier to skip over – MAH staff)
Sexual Assault & False Accusations
Some time after I began presenting as male, I was sexually assaulted by a guy who touched me inappropriately. On a separate occasion, a girl asked me if we could have sex and I said no. She kept pushing, so I said that I was gay. Her response was that she could “turn me.” After I still said no, she kept pushing. She even said that, at one point, I “wasn’t a man”, because if I was I would have sex with her.
I said no still and ended up having to block her. However, later I was at school, I remembered it, and it caused me to have a panic attack. It ended up being too much, so I had to go home early. I tried to talk to someone I cared very much what had happened, but he got mad at me, said something along the lines of “fine let her turn you,” and he blocked me in the end.
Feminists Are Anti-Male
I brought up the fact that I was sexually assaulted as a male to a male feminist, and he said that I was a rapist and rape apologist in the same sentence. He also said that I “raped” his sister. When I said I didn’t even know his sister (it was online), he said that he couldn’t believe me because I couldn’t “prove my innocence” to him. I found him hypocritical because he’s one of those feminists that say “believe all women.” But suddenly doubt is ok if it’s a man saying he was sexually assaulted.
Later, I was talking to a female feminist. I told her that a girl attempted to rape me, and she told me that “men can’t get raped.” She also told me that it was somehow worse to be forcibly penetrated than to be forced to penetrate. It might seem like that at first glance – until it nearly happens to you.
Even More Sexual Assault
There’s some other, similar instances that have happened as well. Feminists and other similar people talk about how only women are pressured into sending pictures, but that’s not true. Twice, gay men have tried to pressure me into sending d*ck pics. One using guilt tactics and the other saying that I wasn’t really uncircumcised (well, I don’t have a penis – so technically I’m not). I said I wasn’t comfortable, but they both pushed. Now, obviously, I didn’t even have the ability to send them – but, still, the amount of pressure they put me under wasn’t small.
And It’s Not Just Men
Three times, older women have come to me online and offered to pay me to date me. Even when I said that I was gay, they didn’t care. One was 42 – though I’m not sure about the other twos’ ages, though they were similar. And they kept pushing even when I said no and that they were too old for a 17 year old. (At least two of them said “good” when I told them my age.) One wouldn’t stop until I blocked her (apparently she had tried to do the same thing to another 17 year old gay guy). Another left me alone after I told some other people and she saw it; the last actually left me alone after a couple attempts.
Another woman, aged 30, asked me if I wanted to have sex with her. I told her my age and that I was gay, and she still pushed. There was another time, offline, when I was walking home. An older woman was on a bike, riding past me. She looked at me and gave the creepiest smile. A moment later, when she had gone past me, I gave a disgusted face. I don’t care if you like how I look; just don’t be inappropriate about it.
Aftermath Of Sexual Assault
It ruined my life – I haven’t been able to tell anyone else I care about what happened. I’m afraid they’ll do the same thing. I especially haven’t told my boyfriend. I know he’s most certainly not feminist – I think he’s anti-feminist – but I’m worried what’ll happen. My close friends are also anti-feminist, but one of them I have some certainty that he’ll understand.
It is difficult for a trans male who hasn’t surgically transitioned to be accused of rape. But it is also a lot harder to get justice if my rapist was also female. This is because – in The USA, where I live – most states only define rape as when a person is forcibly penetrated – and only a couple define forced to penetrate as rape. Only recently was rape expanded to include rape beyond a man forcibly penetrating a woman’s vagina. The state that I live in, Washington, does not include forced to penetrate as rape.
I can only imagine how much worse my treatment would have been if it had been carried out.
Summery: I’ve faced far more sexual violence, assault, and harassment as a male than a female, and people care far less and blame me more for it, or just say that it didn’t happen.
People Are More Violent To Me As Well
The only reason I probably haven’t gotten beaten up randomly yet is probably because I’m a small person. There are definitely people who want to hit me, I know that for sure. But I’m a tiny person, and I feel that may actually be stopping some people from assaulting me or something. However, I was assaulted by someone I know. All of these stories happened after my transition or after I began transitioning:
(Due to the abusive nature of these stories, we have made it easier to skip over – MAH staff)
The Violent Male Friend
I had been arguing with a friend (lets call him James), so another boy (call him Chad) decided to handcuff me to him to ‘make us get along’. That led to James trying to leave – with me attached. Which meant dragging me with him. He was pulling on the cuff so hard that he accidentally hurt himself. Well, Chad got mad at me for not going along. So he removed my friend’s hand from the handcuffs – but left my hand in the other side. He wanted to send me back outside again – but, just like last time, I didn’t want to move.
So Chad took hold of the other side of the handcuff, and yanked me along the floor. Violently dragging my prone body down all three steps of the outside staircase, which hurt a great deal and left me injured. The handcuff dug into my thumb so badly I lost feeling in it for a couple days, and it really beat up my side.
That’s Not All
Looking back, there were other times that I had been assaulted or by the guy. I can think of maybe three to five times I was hit by him with the intent to hurt (not leaving a bruise). Though more often I have been hit by him as a form of “play,” and he said he was doing it really light – though it was still painful.
I would like to add that the guy and I often got in arguments, especially about feminism, which could escalate into violence. I would estimate that one out of five or six of the arguments escalated into violence. I have also been called a ‘retard’/’idiot’, and that I’m a ‘mistake’ – etc. I would also like to add that I am not completely innocent or anything like that – the vast majority of cases, I was the one on the receiving end of violence. But there was a couple times when I became violent back in response.
Violent Women
I have also been hurt by two female acquaintances, who I won’t name either. They both have slapped me. The first one has done it several times, and it was because I was arguing with her or something. The other one was getting mad at me because she didn’t want to accept me as trans/a dude, and I wasn’t also accepting feminism.
Summery: People will treat you so much more roughly if they think you’re male.
How People React To Me
I was almost never insulted when I was a girl – but things changed after my transition. Here is a list of some of the things that I have been called (please excuse the language): tr*nny, tr*p, he/she, incel, pedophile, misogynist, inbred Nazi, moron, idiot, rapist, rape apologist, lady, sis, ma’am, that I have “internalized misogyny,” that I “just want privilege,” f*ggot, ugly, f*ckface, dipsh*t, retard, little boy, little girl, b*tch, d*ck.
I’ve also been called a “white supremacist” even though I’m less than 50% white. In fact, I’m at least 4 races – and I told them black men fare worse from men’s issues. But those are just the things that stand out the strongest. There are so many other ways I’m treated differently as a male, and almost all of them are negative. A few people might be thinking, “But it’s good that you don’t get catcalled anymore”. Well I might not get catcalled, but I never was as a girl either.
Feminists Are The Worst
I have often been told or seen feminists (almost always the pro-trans ones, or at least pro-trans woman and pro-nonbinary) claim that hatred of trans men “isn’t real” because “misandry isn’t real.” Which is obviously false. Sometimes they’ll say anti-trans misandry is really “misogynistic”. Or that misandry doesn’t properly explain the experiences of trans men specifically. Or that trans men get hated for being trans, not for being men.
Most of the hatred was not for being a trans man, but when it did occur it was by feminists or the anti-trans.
I’m not even allowed to talk about things like abortion – which affect me directly. I just get silenced. Luckily, almost all feminists I met (except one) were against things like circumcision. But, sadly, that was about one of the few things we agreed on.
How They Treat MRAs
When I was a female MRA, people would look at me weird when I talked about men’s rights, but that was about it. As a male MRA I’ve been called ‘incel’, ‘misogynist’, ‘inbred Nazi’, and more. Several people have said that I, as an MRA, I would “never get women this way,”. As if the point to being an MRA was somehow dating – not to fight for men and boys.
People listen to me a lot less as a male than when I presented as female. Much of the hatred I’ve experienced is for being male or and MRA, but some of the hate was for being a transgender guy. At least a couple of people, usually TERFs, have accused me of transitioning to male just for privilege – even though it’s not real and I have yet to receive my “male privilege” package, and I’ve been waiting three years – but that isn’t the only thing that’s happened.
As an MRA, many feminists instantly assume that I’m a straight white male. While there is obviously nothing wrong with being male, cis, straight, or white, I am NONE of those. As I’ve said before – I’m a nonwhite, gay, and trans.
Final Thoughts
I’ll be honest – because of what I’ve faced as guy, I’ve thought about de-transitioning. I wanted to be treated better, to not be beaten, and to lower my risk of being murdered. But I can’t do that as I want to be comfortable in my own body. So I’ve decided to not to go back to being female, and instead continue to fight for men’s rights – as a guy. Though, I should be clear – even if I had detransitioned, I would still be an MRA. Though what may blow feminists’ minds the most is that I have been accepted by nearly every MRA I’ve met. Only one has ever attacked me for being transgender, and that was because he wanted more female MRAs.
But yeah – turns out that societal treatment of males is not so great.
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Love how it turned out! I’m glad it looks like this. Thanks for posting it MAH
No problems!