Knowing and spotting Red Flags is an important part of dating, relationships, and establishing trust in general. However, not everyone has the experience to spot them before they get hit by one. With that in mind, we have created this ongoing list of Red Flags that you should be wary of. This list is organised by severity, but be aware that any of these flags can turn up in a more serious form. However (to help you spot them) this list assumes that Red Flags tend to appear in subtle ways – especially at first. We have provided some notes on how this can happen, but we stress that this is not an exhaustive check list and it is up to you to use your own judgment.
- Minor Red Flags are small clues that shouldn’t really be deal-breakers on their own.
- Medium Red Flags are warning signs that something is wrong. The more there are, the worse it is.
- Major Red Flags are massive danger signs. If you see even one, make an exit plan.
- Extreme Red Flags are not even debatable. We strongly encourage you to call the cops, or get out.
This list has not been written with any particular gender or sexuality in mind – so most Flags will apply regardless. Other behaviours may also appear that are not listed, so please do report them in the comments or via our Contact Us page. Please also use it, and our Discord, if you are trapped in a relationship and need help. This is just a guide, so please – trust your own judgement, and seek advice if unsure. And, above everything, listen to your gut. Listen to your doubts, question them, and ask yourself why you feel them. Are they right? Are they just anxiety? Remember: this list is very generalised. You don’t need to tick a Red Flag if you aren’t sure.
Minor Red Flags
This relationship is still very possible, but be wary. Especially if more serious Red Flags appear. Minor Red Flags can be symptoms of slight anxiety and may be easy to deal with. However, they may also predict worse behaviour.
- They seem to fake interest in your hobbies, or their own interests seem faked. Example: they say they love your hobby, but they react badly whenever they are invited to your hobby group. Note: this can just be laziness or casual interest.
- They ask you to buy them things, but they never do anything for you. Note: this is not the same as you spontaneously buying them things and them not getting you anything back. If you feel like the other person is obligated here, you are the one with the Red Flag!
- They cancel dates a lot. If so, maybe they’re just not that into you?
- They tell minor lies all the time, and deny it. Be sure this isn’t forgetfulness. If there’s strong evidence they’re lying about something important, this becomes a Medium or even Major Red Flag.
- They generally don’t wash or take care of themselves to the point they smell. This is often a sign of depression.
- They browse their phone while you are having a conversation, and it’s not to look up something related to it. Or they call people in the middle of your talk, if it’s not to bring them in on the chat for good reasons.
- They treat you like a mule or a servant, and are more interested in service you can do for them than mutual support.
- They ask you how much money you make on the first date, especially if they won’t disclose their earnings.
- It feels like the relationship is all one way. They get you to do things for them all the time, but never do anything for you.
- They delight in petty viciousness or cruel rumours. If they love gossip, they’ll gossip about you as well.
- They like starting drama. Becomes a Medium Red Flag if they enjoy sewing doubt in other people’s relationships, trying to break them up, or effecting some other lasting harm. Becomes Major if they try to start fights between people or get them physically hurt.
- They go through constant cycles of binge eating and starvation (talk to them gently about it).
- Mild criticism or advice sends them into a spiral of depression and anxiety. Medium Red Flag if the spiral includes anger or self-destructive behaviour.
- On the very first date, they sternly lecture you about some pet topic of theirs that they insist you must support as well. This can be a symptom of a controlling personality. If they get extremely heated or start ranting, it’s a Medium Red Flag.
- They talk about you getting married or having kids right from the start. Becomes a Medium Red Flag if they get angry about you objecting to this talk or say you are “afraid of commitment”.
- They want to have sex on the first date, or even the first moment you meet. This is not a good sign for long term dating potential.
- They stop caring about aspects of their appearance you like more and more as the relationship goes on. It’s normal for people to be more casual, but someone who is into you will try look good for you.
- They constantly talk about their ex. This means they aren’t over them, and aren’t into you. You’re just a replacement/emotional dumping ground.
Medium Red Flags
Danger, Will Robinson! You can still talk about this stuff – but remember it’s not your job to fix them. However, if it’s safe, you really should tell them this stuff is not okay. If it isn’t, or you are afraid it is, be cautious – but don’t let yourself be ruled by your own anxieties.
- They slap/scratch/hit you or otherwise hurt for saying things they don’t like. A lot of men just accept this, but it is actually abuse and may become worse over time. It also has a cumulative effect on your mental health. You are not a slave, and you do not deserve to be slapped about. Becomes a Major Red Flag if you tell them off for it, and they keep doing it.
- They put on a persona that is extremely different to who they really are, or suddenly change personas. It’s normal to show different sides of yourself to different people, but if their personality does a complete flip, be wary. It could flip on you.
- Everything has to be on their terms, with little or no compromise.
- They spend a lot of time alone with their ex. This can be platonic and innocent if say they have kids, but you should be wary if they:
- Get really defensive about it.
- Insist that you can’t come.
- It’s really uncomfortable if you do come.
- They act like a couple.
- People think they’re dating.
- They give you lame excuses like “I just enjoy petting his cats”
- You know they go clubbing or drinking together.
- Your partner has mentioned the phrase ‘open relationship’.
- Spend a lot of time talking about how great their ex is (or how bad they are).
- Like to stay the night alone with them. This is a Major Red Flag for a cheater.
- They have a tattoo of an ex lover’s name or (Major Fed Flag) face.
- Excessive drinking, drugs, smoking, gambling, or other vices. (High people tend to make bad choices, and addicts exist to be addicts.)
- They are extremely into porn. As in: they can’t stop looking at it. A tell-tale sign is if they regard it as a hobby.
- A lot of their entertainment or stress relief seems to be at your expense. Major Red Flag if this goes beyond gentle ribbing, or they get angry if you do it back to them.
- They make plans for your life without telling you. Major Red Flag if this is a baby, a marriage, a pet, or something else that’s big. That includes a parent picking out a new boyfriend/girlfriend for a person and expecting them to date.
- They expect you to ‘share’ (that is, hand over for them to keep) things you own that aren’t small amounts of food or clothing.
- They call you lazy, but they do almost nothing themselves. Becomes a Major Red Flag if they constantly expect you to do things for them and generally serve their needs.
- You are scared to do normal things because they might explode at you. You may be afraid of making noise around the house – even a small sound.
- When confronted with wrongdoing, they dredge up bad things you’ve done to attack you. This is called Whataboutism.
- They believe in ‘The Law of Attraction’. I.e. that just wanting things and pretending to be happy will make them magically appear. This is often a sign of narcissism.
- They give you or someone you trust a bad feeling (listen to your gut, and your allies)
- They promise to fix bad habits, but they don’t.
- They tell humiliating stories or ‘jokes’ at your expense. Major Red Flag if if they are totally made up, or they don’t listen if you tell the to stop.
- They ask you humiliating and invasive questions, especially in public. Major Red Flag if done out of spite to humiliate you.
- Gifts given out by them are secretly for themselves, a favoured child, or someone other than the recipient. The idea being that they buy a gift that’s ‘wrong’ – such as clothes that fit them, but no you. The idea is that you notice the flaw, and they go “Oh, sorry! But I bet this would be perfect for (favoured person)! Don’t worry, I’ll look after it!” This (in their mind) fulfils their obligation for your birthday, Christmas, or other holiday – while netting themselves a present.
- They tell lies all the time or you don’t feel like you can trust them.
- They expect grand gestures constantly, but never make any.
- They generally don’t respect your consent or opinion about things.
- Everything has to be a big debate or argument.
- You make plans together, but they constantly cancel or don’t show up. (Be sure that they actually agreed, and not just in a vague way)
- Vengeful attempts to punish you for slights or perceived wrongs. Like snatching something and saying “well, you can’t have this now” or “I’ll take this as compensation” or “This is mine now”. Becomes a Major Red Flag, if the severity rises.
- They have tantrums where they break things. Major Fed Flag if they throw them, you own the things, or they aim them at you.
- You feel like you are being used for your money. They always want more. Major Fed Flag if they act as if they are entitled to it and make demands or threats.
- Pressuring you into sex, or trying to wear down you down about it. (I.e. – being super insistent, and taking a ‘no’ as a ‘please convince me’.) Sex is an important aspect of a relationship, but being too forceful is not. Also includes things like pressuring you into particular fetishes. Becomes a Major Fed Flag if they start getting naked, or pushing themselves on you. Get out if you can.
- They hold nasty views about various groups of people. (I.e. racism, sexism, homophobia, or open disgust for a mainstream political position/religion) Can be a Major Red Flag, depending on severity.
- They expect to be able to invade your bathroom/bedroom/some other private off-limits space while you are in there because it’s “their house”. They won’t knock. Note: This doesn’t count if your ‘private space’ is a major part of the house you are monopolising – such as the lounge.
- They bought something big you both specifically agreed not to buy ‘on impulse’. Especially if it’s a life-changing thing – like a dog, a mortgage, or similar. For guys, this also includes girlfriends who suddenly get pregnant right after talking about wanting to get pregnant and you saying no. Especially if all your condom wrappers have little holes in them.
- They try to dress up nasty or vindictive things behind nice things. For example, they do something horrible ‘for your own good’. Becomes a Major or Extreme Red Flag depending on how serious this thing is and how clear you made it that you are against it.
- They seem more focused on changing you than getting to know you. Your hair/makeup/clothing/personality/etc is all wrong to them. You are doll, or a project – not a person.
- Complements come with little tacked on statements that undermine them. “You’re really nice, for a man.”
- They hold that one time they did something for you against you to get you to do things for them constantly.
- You are expected to like the same things they do, no exceptions. Especially if they take no interest in your interests or belittle them. Becomes a Major Red Flag if they expect you to quit all your hobbies.
- Ridicule is a major tool in their arsenal that they use to get what they want.
- An aggressively large number of dark jokes – or constant talk about wanting to commit suicide. May become a Major Red Flag or Extreme, depending on their seriousness.
Major Red Flags
These flags should put you on high alert, and you should start forming an exit plan. Strongly consider going no-contact with this person. Archive every online or text conversation they have ever said to you, and expect blowback. they may make false accusations or start rumours about you. Consider having a recording device handy (check if local laws permit secret recording). Be aware your phone or recorder may be snatched and thrown on the floor. You may want to consider calling the police, depending on context. At minimum: have an overnight bag ready, and try to get out. Don’t let them know you are doing any of this.
- They tracked you down off of the internet and found you in real life. This is stalker behaviour and a strong prelude to an Extreme Red Flag.
- They know your routine without having been told about it. (They may be following you, or stalking your social media)
- Today’s truth is tomorrow’s fiction. (This also applies to governments!)
- They tell you to hurt yourself.
- You get the sense they are lying about their name or identity. They may be much older/younger richer/poorer than they say.
- If you’re out of their sight and not on the phone to them, you are clearly in mortal danger or up to no good.
- You aren’t allowed to see friends or family anymore. Or even go out without them. (Isolation of a victim is a classic method of brainwashing them)
- They make you feel very unsafe or make threats of violence. Especially if detailed and graphic.
- Basic food or water is withheld as punishment.
- They deliberately play with your mental health or try to poke your sore spots. For example, trying to trigger you PTSD by confronting you with things that set it off.
- They think your money is their money. Your stuff is their stuff. But don’t you dare touch anything of theirs!
- They deny your remembered experiences, and act concerned for your sanity. This is called Gaslighting.
- They lay into you because they did badly at something and blame you for it.
- They tell you to do something, then punish you for doing it. Alternatively – they make out that they don’t want something, then get angry when it doesn’t materialise. (“You were supposed to know!!”)
- No food in the house – but they have money for booze, drugs, cigarettes, and other things they want.
- They hurt pets, children, or break valued possessions to punish you.
- They treat you like filth and act like you have done things when you haven’t done anything.
- False accusations are used as weapons, or they even threaten to use them. (record everything, including texts)
- Denial of wrongdoing is proof of guilt. Silence is proof of guilt. This is called a Kafka Trap.
- If they do something wrong, it’s your fault. “I only did X because you don’t love me/never do anything for me!”
- They promise they won’t do anything bad if you come out of your safe area and insist to other people you are being dramatic. Then, when you are out, they attack.
- When they don’t get their way, they threaten self harm or suicide. Or, they show you bandages/wounds and say “look what you/they/it made me do!” This can be genuine, but usually – if they are an overly dramatic person who goes from crisis to crisis – the chances are it is to emotionally manipulate you. If they start talking this way, send the cops and shrinks to deal with it. Suicidal people are real, but playing the dramatic potential suicide victim is an especially common abuse tactic. It is designed to make the target into a carer, and keep them in a bad relationship.
- They cycle between one crisis and the next, with “I’m better now, I swear” gaps in between where they are super loving. You need to quit them like a bad habit, because that’s what they’re trying to be.
- Their emotions are volatile and quickly change.
- They know things about you that you haven’t told them and which can’t be explained by bad memory/friends/gossip/reading your social media. Especially secrets. If it’s merely buried deep in your social media where only an obsessive would find it, this is just a Medium Red Flag or a Minor one – depending on how deep it was.
- There’s a strict list of rules you have to follow that they made without consulting you. These rules don’t apply to them, and there is no list of rules they have to follow. Becomes a Major Red Flag for a narcissist if any of these are true: 1) The rules contradict and change all the time, depending on mood. 2) Following the rules means breaking the other rules OR they seem designed to catch you out, rather than to make things better. 3) They put smiley faces on the list and stuck it on the fridge.
- Lack of empathy, or enjoyment of the suffering of others.
- After being abusive/nasty/angry or doing wrong, they act like the victim. This is ESPECIALLY bad if they try to get you to comfort them, or insist they can ‘explain’ if you just ‘come closer’ and ‘hold them’. They intend this to put you in a ‘comforter role’ so that you will treat them as the victim. This is mostly a female tactic, and is VERY effective on men – even if they are prepared. (You can see it in action here)
- Delights in the pain of animals or people.
- They are a member of the following suspicious, dangerous, or cult-like group:
- Scientology
- Satanism (either atheistic or theistic)
- The so-called ‘Mother Of God’ cult aka “Seven Thunders”, aka “WMSCOG”
- They don’t trust you at all, and constantly want to check your phone/prove where you are or were. Constant updates are demanded, and they act like a fussy mother.
- They make sexual comments about children or animals.
- Saying things like “X group really should be (controlled, imprisoned, or done away with)”
- Treating staff or employees as garbage – especially if it’s to get free stuff. You may have a ‘Karen’ or ‘Richard’ on your hands.
Extreme Red Flags
Call the cops. Do it now. Start recording if you can. Leave if possible. Do not provoke them. Your life is in danger.
- Your vital medication is withheld as punishment.
- Food or drink is spiked, even with just laxatives. (Don’t let them dispose of the evidence)
- They otherwise try to expose you to things that makes you sick. For example – things you allergic to.
- Any level of real violence – sexual, or otherwise. That includes not stopping when asked during sex.
- Any attempt to harm you that isn’t accidental or self defence.
- They encourage or expect you to commit crimes.
- They have stolen another person’s identity.
- They commit crimes themselves.
- You find highly illegal images or illegal/dangerous objects in their position.
What To Do Now
If you are unsure, remember – our Discord is open for you to chat about what’s going on. We also have a contact us page, but remember – we’re a volunteer group, not an emergency service. If your life is in danger, or you are trapped, please consider calling your local emergency line or a local crisis service directly. If you are male, please be sure that you call a male-friendly domestic abuse service, and that it is not a line set up for abusers.
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