Wrong question – but that’s not your fault. We’ve been trained to think that debating is all about winning. Not about finding the truth and agreeing on it. This makes debating incredibly hard. Way harder than it even needs to be – since the sides are more focused on tricking or browbeating each other than getting at the truth.
To debate properly, you have to put aside some of your ego and work with the other person. In most cases, this absolutely doesn’t happen. One or both parties are tribalistic. They will attack on an emotional level, assume bad faith, and assume the opponent is insane. Nothing is funnier than watching two people use the exact same accusations to attack each other over something inane and subjective that ultimately doesn’t matter. And if you think you won’t and will never do that, then you are already breaking the first rule of debating:
Be A Truth-Seeker
Your goals should be as follows: 1) Find the truth, 2) Stick to it, 3) be flexible towards new information, 4) Admit the truth to your opponent when it’s clear you are wrong. This is really hard. You will feel like you are letting the side down, but remember: this is NOT a football game. We are NOT scoring points. Thinking about this as a point-scoring exercise is how you lose. Meanwhile, admitting your opponent is at least partly right will endear you to your them and open them up to doing the same! Yes, sometimes we have all been guilty of not doing this – but we’re always learning.
Ask Difficult Questions
The Socratic method is the most effective way to get at the truth in a debate PROVIDED you use it honestly, and not as a cheap way to score points or back someone into a stupid logical corner…. like Socrates did. To that end: keep your questions calm, insightful, and non-passive aggressive. Asking your opponent how they got such a massive ego isn’t really fighting with the right spirit. Nor is forcing them to define something in a particular way so as to then use it against them. Instead, it should be more like this:
- Feminist: Male Privilege is very real. Men are systemically privileged over women by other men.
- MRA: What makes you think that?
- Feminist: Studies show that that men at work are taken more seriously than women.
- MRA: Aren’t female carers taken more seriously than male ones, who are often accused of being ‘child molesters’ and ‘too dangerous to ever be around children’? And aren’t men expected to defend women and children in emergencies, at the expense of their own lives?
- Feminist: That’s just patriarchy hurting men too.
- MRA: Isn’t Patriarchy defined as a system of privileges meant to advantage men over women?
- (etc)
Take Your Time & Read What They Say
If you don’t have time to research something, wait until you do. The debate isn’t going anywhere, unless it’s live. If it is live, tell your opponent you don’t have the time to look into it but you are happy to get back to them on it.
Be Polite
Being rude is fun but it is an own-goal. It raises the defences of your opponent, and causes onlookers to think you’re an awful person. And nobody likes siding with awful people, except other awful people who agree with them. Are they awful to you? Stay calm. Be nice. Diffuse it with humour. You may find someone ready to listen underneath, who will happily tell you you are the first person to be nice to them in this debate. If not – STILL don’t lose your temper. Deep breaths. Some opponents want you angry because it’s fun to them. If you get angry, they win.
- Feminist: Male Privilege is very real. Men are systemically privileged over women by other men.
- MRA: What makes you think that?
- Feminist: Studies show that that men at work are taken more seriously than women.
- MRA: Aren’t female carers taken more seriously than male ones, who are often accused of being ‘child molesters’ and ‘too dangerous to ever be around children’? And aren’t men expected to defend women and children in emergencies, at the expense of their own lives?
- Feminist: That’s just patriarchy hurting men too.
- MRA: Isn’t Patriarchy defined as a system of privileges meant to advantage men over women?
- (etc)
Be Ready To Provide Proof AND Demand It
You DO NOT have to do their research for them! You DO NOT have to go googling the search terms they give you. Demand links. Page numbers. Timestamps in videos that THEY link. Conversely, when you are providing proof YOU must extend them the same courtesy! But also:
Don’t Get Gish Galloped
Force them to tackle ONE or TWO subjects at a time. Do not let them get away with sending you ten thousand random links to articles and studies with no context, and then expecting a response to every one. Especially if it’s as individual messages. If you ask them to stop and they don’t, try linking our citations list as a response to every one. If that doesn’t work: block them.
Point Out They Ignored Your Argument
When a dishonest activist gets debunked, they typically 1) ignore what you said, 2) bring up something thematically related that almost sounds like a response. 3) block you and then respond with something jeering. If they don’t do number 3, keep hammering for an answer to questions they ignore. Don’t let them distract you! Don’t go off-topic! Say: “No, we’re talking about this. That’s irrelevant.” DO NOT let the debate continue until they answer!
- Feminist: Male Privilege is very real. Men are systemically privileged over women by other men.
- MRA: What makes you think that?
- Feminist: Studies show that that men at work are taken more seriously than women.
- MRA: Aren’t female carers taken more seriously than male ones, who are often accused of being ‘child molesters’ and ‘too dangerous to ever be around children’? And aren’t men expected to defend women and children in emergencies, at the expense of their own lives?
- Feminist: That’s just patriarchy hurting men too.
- MRA: Isn’t Patriarchy defined as a system of privileges meant to advantage men over women?
- (etc)
If they actually give you evidence, consider it fairly.